Thot Patrol Inaba
by 98234294y2931h1efuddiaisd02u92
Summary: After escaping from prison, the TRUE hero of "Persona 4" decides to make a reality TV show. (Originally published as individual stories with the first one in September 2017.)
1. A Hero Rises

As the camera panned to a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and overlooking the town, a disembodied voice spoke the following: "The quiet countryside town of Inaba may look peaceful, but it is cursed with a plague... And he's the cure."

"Hi, I'm your host, Adachi Tohru, and this is 'THOT PATROL INABA'."

The camera panned over to the town once more.

"He's the hero we all need," narrated the narrator. "But the one we do not deserve."

The camera then panned to Tohru sitting at a Junes table.

"It may look like a pretty okay place, but don't be fooled. There are bitches and whores everywhere. Oh shoot, there's one over there right now..."

Tohru and cameraman hid behind the table.

"So I was like 'seriously', and she was like 'no way', and I was like 'Oh my God!', and..."

"Sh... Don't make any sudden movements. It can smell the fear off of you."

He slowly and methodically approached the woman.

"Hey, I seem to have misplaced my cabbage. Can you help me find it? I think I dropped it over their near the TV section..."

As soon as the woman got close to the flat screen TV, Tohru (spraying his hands with disinfectant and putting on rubber gloves beforehand) pushed her in.

"BEGONE THOT!" shouted Tohru, his eyes glowing with the fury of a million suns. "Justice is served."

The rest of the show was Tohru pushing various women into the TV in a similar manner. The sun soon set. The camera panned to a road and Tohru in his car.

"What I do ain't easy. But it's a job that no one else will ta-"

"Adachi, you bastaaaard!" yelled a gray-haired man running up to the vehicle with what appeared to be a katana in his right hand.

"Uh, sir, who is that?" asked Tohru's cameraman.

The moment Tohru glanced into his rear-view mirror, his eyes widened.

"OH SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! Don't ask questions, just get in!"

The two drove off, leaving the gray-haired stranger behind.


	2. The Prequel (That No One Asked For)

"Seven days."

That's what the voice on the phone told him. A man sat in front of his TV, clearly nervous. It was day 7 after all. He was supposed to die on that day.

Suddenly, his screen showed static. The same video he watched seven days ago played again, except, this time, what appeared to be a young girl popped out of the well. Then she started getting closer to the screen.

And closer...

...and closer...

...and closer...

Until...

Limbs and a head, obscured by long black hair, slowly made their way from the TV into his reality. The methodical movement of the creature allowed the man ample time to question his sanity as he slowly backed away from the TV screen.

This paranormal entity... She was obviously to be his killer. The voice from the telephone. He saw from the parts of her eyes that were showing an indescribable bloodlust. Her hands were about ready to touch the floor...

But then...

"'scuse me, make way, coming through."

Another pair of arms and a head popped out of the TV screen. This time, they were those of a male who looked to be in his mid-thirties. Both the man and the girl stared at the new entity with confused expressions.

Wondering why he wasn't moving any further, he turned his face over towards the right and saw a girl (who appeared far less hygenic) existing right next to him. Immediately, he put his hand on her head and, with all his strength, pushed her back into the TV.

"Make way, sunshine. Only one of us can fit through this box."

"N-nooooooooooo," the girl screamed as she was pushed back into her video, unintentionally ending the curse.

The man in his thirties got out of the TV, dusted off his clothes, and adjusted his tie.

"Phew, I'm finally free."

The other man didn't know what to say. This stranger had just saved his life.

"But now that I'm free, I don't know what to do. I really didn't think this through..."

The man, who appeared to be in his thirties, eyed the other. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head.

"Hey, you wouldn't happen to know how to hold a camera, would you?"

(And so that's how "Thot Patrol Inaba", starring Tohru Adachi (with occasional guest appearances from Steven Seagal), began...)


	3. Attack on Thots

It was just another ordinary day in the peaceful town of Inaba.

"BEGONE THOT!" Tohru exclaimed as he kicked some woman into a TV. "Phew..."

He wiped a bead of sweat off of his forehead.

"How many does that make today?"

"12 in counting, sir," answered his cameraman. "You're truly an inspiration to us all."

The reality TV show host was about ready to search for his next victim when...

CRASH!

A giant saucer-like thing crashed into the house, causing him and his cameraman to fall over.

"WHAT THE-"

Stepping out of the ship's door was a woman with blue skin and light purple hair who had an incredibly impressive set of...pointed ears (also, her boobs were huge). She wore what appeared to be some sort of pirate uniform.

She looked down on Tohru as if staring down at an insect. The other looked up.

"...they got alien bitches and whores now!?"

"Greetings, Adachi Tohru. I am a prosecutor and representative from the Federation of Extraterrestrial Females. Or F.E.M., for short. We are a group designated towards women's rights across the galaxy. You have been found guilty of numerous hate crimes against women, and, as such, your planet will be taken over by the Federation, which will instill new laws that see that men like you are punished."

"Hah, I'd like to see you try, slut!"

Suddenly, a ray shot from one of the ship's guns, blasting the cameraman to smithereens.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How could do this to my cameraman whose name I never bothered to learn!?"

"Using gendered language against a woman of color, such as myself, is a capital offense. Your accomplice's life was taken as collateral for a crime that would've certainly cost you your life. We still need you alive for the sake of political expedience."

"YOU'LL NEVER WIN!"

"Oh, we most certainly already have. Look at that TV."

Almost on cue, the TV turned on. On it was news of numerous male government leaders being deposed by the federation. Even on the news channel itself, you could see one of the hosts being led out by Federation mooks on account of being male, with only the female host left to report on what was happening.

Tohru stared at the TV with an expression of disbelief. The representative grinned smugly.

"As you can see, our taking over of Earth has already proceeded smoothly."

 _On that day, humanity received a grim reminder..._

 _It only took 2 hours of fighting before mankind broke under the superior tactics and weaponry of their opponent. Male leaders all around were deposed and replaced by female politicians, who were allowed to rule on account of nothing else but their genitalia and their connections to the Federation. Some men were able to keep their positions and freedom by claiming to be transgender, but others were thrown into internment camps for the mere crime of making women feel uncomfortable with their presence._

 _During the takeover, you could see the F.E.M. representative on TVs and social media,_ _throughout the planet,_ _giving speeches._

"Women of Earth! We, the Federation of Extraterrestrial Females, have come to liberate you from male oppression! No longer will you have to suffer the cruelty of ownership by your male overlords. We will punish any and all males who so much as commit the slightest infraction against womankind."

In heavily Islamic countries, some women were smiling beneath their burqas at the prospect of freedom...while their male guides frowned heavily.

"Except for Muslims, as that would be racist."

Immediately, the female Muslims' smiles sank while one of them resumed getting stoned for being raped and shaming the family.

 _As for me. Well, I was currently the number one enemy of women on Earth. They needed me alive in order to demoralize any man who had thoughts of fighting back. There were all kinds of men here. On this new Earth, all you had to do to get sent to prison was for any woman, no matter who they were, to merely will it. Though it was never said outright, simply being born male in this new world was a death sentence._

Tohru sat in his huge cell, with hundreds of other men, biding his time and thinking of a plan on how to strike back.

"What're you in for?" asked a ginger-haired man (whom Tohru was somehow able to understand despite the man speaking in English), who had several piercings across his face, with a deep Scottish accent.

"Thot crimes. Crimes against women, I mean. What about you?"

"I trained my pug to do a Nazi salute in order to piss off my girlfriend."

Tohru steadfastly slid away from the prisoner and looked over at the one to his right.

"What about you, pal... You don't look so dangerous. What're you in for?"

"When a woman asked me my name, I made the mistake of sarcastically answering 'Hugh Mongous'. She thought I was referring to my genitals and, before I knew it, I was brought here on charges of rape and sedition."

"Whew, that's real rough, buddy."

Getting up from the bench, Tohru stared at all of the criminals around him.

"Is there anyone in here who has even killed a woman?"

The number of men who either raised their hand or silently nodded could be counted on a four-fingered hand. The vast majority of the prisoners in this supercell either responded with a resounding "no" or hung their heads in silence.

"I'm responsible for the deaths of two women: a highschooler and a reporter."

This claim caused a majority of the cell population to raise their heads.

"I was soon arrested for my crimes, and I resolved to never use my powers for evil ever again. When I got bored of my resolve, I escaped from my cell and started a reality TV show where I would punish dumb sluts for being dumb and slutty by throwing them into a world of existential horror. But I always brought them back before they met their shadows..."

Most of the prisoners' expressions morphed into ones of confusion and interest.

"Listen, the point I'm trying to make is that, even in our supposedly 'male-dominated' society, sick sons of bitches like me always got punished, regardless of whether we were male or female. What does that say about this society, which claims to be acting justly by 'turning the tables' and treating men like garbage? Can justice truly be achieved by turning the 'oppressed' into the 'oppressor'? Of course not! All it is is just petty playground tactics and bullying. There's no justice in this new world!"

A resounding "yeah" could be heard throughout the cell.

"This isn't about equality for them. It's about power. They're not going to stop until manhood has been eradicated throughout the universe. Our planet's just the tipping point."

"What do we do then?"

"We do what we've always done. We show these bitches and whores who's boss!"

"But how!? They defeated all of our armies like they were nothing! What can a bunch of men, who've never even seen combat, do!?"

"Have you ever watched Star Wars? Now that there are so few of us, we're considered the underdogs of this story. We're at a total advantage!"

For whatever reason, everyone seemed to buy into his strange reasoning.

"Will mankind go out with a whisper...or with a bang!?"

"WITH A BANG!"

"I'm tired of being kinkshamed in my hometown!" exclaimed a 30-something-year-old man who had blonde hair, blue eyes, and wore a fancy business suit.

Another prisoner, a teen, who wore large glasses, a yellow and red striped scarf, and a student uniform, chimed in.

"I tried to warn you about the feminists, but you didn't listen. Fuck this! I'll take them all on by myself!"

"I'M MORE THAN JUST A HAMMER!"

"Then let's do this!" exclaimed Tohru, a resounding "hooah!" meeting him.

"Okay, prisoners. It's time for your daily sensitivity/demasculinization lessons." The moment the guard opened the door, she was met by several feral gazes from all of the prisoners. "What the-"

"GET HER!" one of the prisoners yelled before they all charged her and merely knocked her unconscious (proving that just because a crowd of men rush a defenseless woman doesn't mean it has to end sexually).

One of them grabbed the guard's gun and, almost immediately afterwards, they all charged out.

Meanwhile, within the ship's headquarters...

"Mistress. There's a breach in section D-3," said one of the guards, gazing at the monitor.

"Hm..."

The blue-skinned representative mused over the video of the prisoners escaping from their cell.

"So he's striking back. Very well..."

She stood up.

"Suppress the riots! Use violence if you have to!"

"Yes, Mistress..."

The guard spoke into a microphone.

"Alerting all active guards. There's a breach in D-3. All the men have escaped and one of them is most certainly armed. You have orders to suppress the riots."

Tohru could hear the voice echo throughout the ship. It was only a matter of time before they would strike back. While all hell broke loose, as the mob dispersed to other blocks in order to free the other prisoners, Tohru and a handful of escapees occupied the ship's "therapy" section. Unlike its peaceful-sounding name, all it was was a torture/brainwashing facility. Numerous dangerous-looking tools and gadgets occupied the rooms in this sector.

"Sir, I think you need to see this."

Tohru turned around only to see a bearded man in a lumberjack uniform gazing back from his cell. At first, he didn't know how to respond. However, seeing that there was no hair on the man's arms showed him what was going on?

"How long have you been here?"

"I...don't know," replied the bearded man. "They did things to me. Put things inside of me that I didn't even know could be put in there. I've eaten nothing but soy ever since being put in here. All the other guys..."

Tears started forming in the lumberjack's eyes (though, they were still tears of manliness).

"They won't talk to me. Say I'm too 'aggressive'. I tried waving to one guy and they just flinched at me and told me I was violating them by simply being there. They do nothing but talk about random bullshit when I'm not around. They also constantly criticize each other for their appearance. I had one guy told me, under hushed breath mind you, that this uniform made me look chubby. I told him we all wear the same uniform and we all look chubby for Christ's sake. God, if it isn't the boredom that gets me, it's their constant passive-aggressiveness."

"My God..."

Tohru looked at the prisoner with a legitimate expression of pity.

"We need to get you out of here."

"Sir, I don't think that's a good idea... He might be contagious for all we know."

"Heed the small one's word, my friend. I don't have much long anyway."

Suddenly, the lumberjack began convulsing uncontrollably.

"Oh. No. The process. It's already...beginning! Remember me. Not for who I will be, but for I- Ah. Ahhhhhh. Can't. Think straight. Desire...to see my wife. Doing it with another man. Increasing. Must. Write articles for Buzzfeed. My bike. Got stolen recently. But that's okay. The total. Happiness. Of the world increased. Whoah. Whoaaaaaaaaaah!"

A blinding flash of light exhibited from within the cell, forcing both prisoners to momentarily avert their eyes. When the light disappeared, what they saw on the other side of the glass shook Tohru to his very core.

"Hello," the new creature, a complete phantom of his former self, greeted (with a lisp in his voice). "I'm a male feminist, and hashtag 'I'm with her'. But don't disagree with me, or else I'll block you. Does anyone here have access to Tumblr?"

Tohru placed a losing hand against the mockingly transparent mirror.

"...we've lost him."

The Federation was fighting a losing a war. All around, more and more cells were being liberated. It was only a matter of time before...

"Madam, they're penetrating our defenses! At this point, they're just going in and out. If we don't do something soon, we'll end up reaching climax."

The guard paused.

"By that, I mean we will be defeated!"

"How long do we have until the reinforcements get here?"

"Unfortunately, communications have been cut ever since the prisoners started rioting."

"Tch."

The commander growled.

"Impossible! Unless-"

Her thoughts went back to a disagreement she had with a higher-ranking member of the Federation.

 _Dammit! So this was all a trap from the start!_ "So...headquarters has abandoned us. No matter..."

Suddenly, the doors to the ship's headquarters exploded. Entering through the doorways was one lone man, followed by several of the ship's strongest prisoners.

"We meet again," cooed Tohru. "Last time we met, I was thinking about how I was going to plant my foot _firmly_ up your backside."

"I had agreed to commandeer your prison ship personally," replied the blue-skinned wench. "I see now that that was a mistake. You are quite resourceful for a failed police officer."

That last remark earned a frown from the former cop.

"Oh, did I strike a nerve? No matter. I have prepared ahead of time for situations like this."

Before their eyes, the commander's seat began moving around and transfiguring until its owner was firmly tucked inside what appeared to be a battle robot of sorts.

"Taste the wrath of the Federation's unparalleled technological prowess!"

 _Seriously, we're going to do a big, dumb boss battle?_ "We've been through worse, men! Don't falter now just because it's currently smashing Jim like a two-bit whore!"

Tohru gazed at his army's expressions as they twisted into equal parts fear and disgust.

"...wait."

He turned around.

The vixen laughed as her robot continued doing just that.

"A little... Yow! Help?" said Jim (don't worry, he's not important).

"When did she-"

But before Tohru could finish his sentence, the mecha had instantaneously disappeared and reappeared behind him. With his hardened battle experience, Tohru was able to sidestep away from the robot's swing, but his men were not so lucky.

"SITREP!"

"All fine, sir," said one of the prisoners, who was badly injured.

The others just silently groaned.

"Now you're without an army!" stated the commander.

Tohru took out his signature snub revolver, which he was able to retrieve from the armory. Unfortunately, he couldn't rely on his persona due to not being able to summon it in the real world. He would have to rely on the training he had received from his days in police academy.

"Oh, so you brought a little toy with you! How quaint."

The former detective scratched the back of his head.

"Seriously, does being stuck in that thing all day get you high off your own fumes?"

"How about a little physics lesson before I pummel you. The maximum velocity of a bullet is 2,500 feet per second. Your gun can shoot even slower than that. Now, with my mecha that's able to travel faster than the speed of sound, how likely is it that one of your lowly Earth pellets will even graze my brilliant armor?"

He paused for a moment, legitimately thinking about how to answer that question. Finally, he shrugged his shoulders.

"...I was never good at chemistry."

And like a whirlwind of despair, the mecha disappeared and reappeared behind Tohru. However, Tohru foresaw this and shot a second gun he had hidden behind his back at the window. This one was a gun used by one of the guards, so it was actually able to cause the mecha some relative damage.

"The revolver was just a feint!" exclaimed the commander as her robot took a step back.

"Never bullshit a bullshitter."

In the background, prisoners could be seen fighting with the remaining guards.

"Crap, these ones are stronger!"

They were currently getting decimated by F.E.M.'s top elite.

"Keep pushing them back," yelled the enemy captain.

"Quick, hit them with 'hate facts'!"

"The wage gap is a myth! It's really an earnings gap that is mostly dependent on the personal life choices of the individual and not on some systematic sexism in society that makes men want to pay less to a woman for the same work."

One of the guards immediately clutched their ears, falling to their knees.

"It hurts!"

"Keep hitting them, boys! Marriage is not an invention of the patriarchy to oppress women. More men are screwed over in divorce courts due to a prevailing bias that benefits women. The rape statistics for college campuses are exaggerated and misleading, and the idea that there is a rape culture is laughable at best. Women are just as abusive to other women as men."

More and more of the guards fell down, clutching their ears.

"Can't. Handle. Reality. Need. Safe space."

It got to the point where even the captain was beginning to get affected.

"Damn you and your mansplaining! Take this!"

As explosions roared across the battlefield that marked the ridiculously large headquarters, Tohru and his opponent did the fandago, and it wasn't really frightening. But it was close cuts all around...

"I have to say, I'm impressed," commented the female commander as she continued delivering punches to her opponent who had been dodging by a hair's breath. "In all my life, no one, much less a man, has ever made me go all out."

"...wait, are you saying that this is actually tiring for you, or is going all out mean relying on your robot to do your dirty work?"

"I think I'm beginning to grow some rather odd rather attachments to you."

She had completely ignored his question.

"Tell me. Is this what you earthlings call... _love_?"

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, we're not going down that subplot."

Picking up his revolver, Tohru shot at where he had intended to hit the entire time. The core of the mecha, which had only been exposed after being fired at several times by the now-depleted guard gun.

"NANI THE FUCK!?" yelled the ship commander before her mecha was blown to smithereens.

At this point, the ship had been completely taken over by the prisoners. Several of the guards had also been tied up to prevent further conflict. From the smoke, the form of the commander's now-weakened form could be seen laying head-first into the ground, her nearly naked rear exposed for everyone to see. Most of her clothes had also been torn off, with only a few rags hanging in there, conveniently hiding her most private of places.

Tohru stared at the wreck of a woman before him. She fidgeted. It looked like she was still conscious.

"Well...you bested me. Now what?"

"Now..."

He had a slightly perverse gaze as he scanned his defeated foe.

"I'm going to take advantage of this situation."

"You don't mean-"

"Yep."

He started approaching her. She couldn't believe this. Of all the people to take her first time, it had to be this earthling welp. Still, he was able to defeat her. He had a right to the spoils of victory. Oddly enough, she felt satisfied with this outcome.

"No!" she screamed, unable to move but still wagging her butt seductively and blushing profusely. "I will not be defiled by a pig of a man like you!" _Be gentle._

"Defile? No, I'm just going to throw you into that conveniently placed TV over there."

The commander held a blank expression for quite some time.

"Oh."

"Alley-oop."

Tohru threw the alien into the TV and dusted off his hands.

"And that's one less feminazi I have to worry about."

"Amazing, sir!" said his cameraman (who was somehow still alive). "You're truly an inspiration to us all."

And that's the story of how Tohru Adachi, host of the planet's most popular reality TV show in the top 100 rankings (take that, Kardashian), saved humanity from the clutches of evil space feminazis.

The en-

"Thank you for rescuing us, sir. Now that they're gone, the old law can be reinstated. Speaking of which..."

The prisoner, a relatively muscular male, took a pair of handcuffs out from his trousers and pointed a gun at Tohru.

"I'm a police officer. You're under arrest for escaping prison and obstructing justice."

He looked at the man for a single moment before quietly muttering to himself...

 _"Sonuvabitch."_


	4. Cancelled?

Last time on Thot Patrol Inaba (Chapter 3: Attack on Thots)...

"I dindu nuffin, officer!" Tohru protested as the policeman handcuffed him and threw him onto the ground. "We wuz kangz n shiet!"

After a long and arduous battle with the feminids, Tohru had finally been arrested for the crime of escaping prison. A fugitive no longer, the former police officer stewed away at his prison cell, waiting for yet another round of...

 _"How did you kill them!?"_

 _"I threw them into the TV and left them to die."_

 _"Bullshit! That's a superpower! And superpowers aren't real!"_

 _"You know, I can just show you my powers right now if you allow me to stick my hand in that TV over there."_

 _"No, that would make too much sense. And if you're looking for common sense, Inaba's the last town you'll ever want to visit! Also, I'm going to stick my head all the way up my asshole right now."_

 _The officer proceeded to do just that._

...obviously, the details concerning his interrogation were a tad bit embellished in his mind. The prisoner sighed. The walls surrounding him felt like they were getting closer and closer with each passing minute he had been decaying in this hole.

That same claustrophobic feeling...

It was all over. He wasn't going to escape again, that was for sure.

It's all over, folks.

That's the end of the series.

I don't get why you're still reading this.

Don't you have anything better to do?

It is (or will be, depending on when you're reading this) Christmas.

You should spend it with your family or close friends or body pillows or that vague sense of emptiness you get when you realize that everything in life is virtually meaningless.

Not reading some stupid story made by someone who clearly has too much time on their hands.

Why are you still reading this?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Go home.

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Suddenly, a light shined.

Tohru, momentarily blinded by the light, closed his eyes. In an instant, he was transported to an otherworldly room where everything was tinged by dark blue. Sitting at the table was a being whose features (bulging eyes, long nose, twig-like limbs) marked those of a puppet than that of an actual living, breathing human.

Nevertheless, before he had a chance to speak, the entity spoke (with an inhumanely deep voice).

"Welcome to my Velvet Room. I am Igor. We have been expecting you."

"What is it that you want?"

"It is not what I want. This Velvet Room has a will of its own. It senses that you have given up all hope, yet...your journey is far from over."

"What do you mean?"

"Listen, can you hear the voices?"

Tohru's ears perked upon hearing the faint sounds emanating from somewhere, yet he couldn't tell where.

"They are the voices of those whose bonds you've formed...through television."

The first one to speak was that of Tohru's cameraman.

"If it weren't for you, I would be dead. Or worse... I swear, sir, I'll follow you to the ends of the Earth!"

"Thanks, um..." _What was his name again?_

The next voice was that of someone he's never heard from before. It spoke with a boisterous laugh.

"I've traveled far and wide to find my sun. And your show comes pretty close. Maybe, next time, we can engage in some jolly cooperating. Praise the sun!"

The next voice sounded like it was being spoken by a computer.

"Triple K Mafia rep, Moonman, here to tell ya that your show brings me almost as much joy as killing nig-"

"Hello, I'm Adachi Tohru. This isn't yet another disembodied voice here to tell you how great you are. These are just your thoughts."

"Your... _show_...has touched those souls and many like them," stated Igor. "There is still much left for you to do."

Tohru shot out of his seat.

"You are right, my long-nosed companion! The show isn't over till I say it's over!"

Upon sporting his trademark sunglasses, a racecar somehow crashed through the prison wall, allowing for the ex-detective to make his daring escape. Igor watched as Tohru rode off into the sunset and sighed.

"You sure know how to pick 'em... Eh, Izanami?"


	5. Battle of the Gods

Tohru was walking down the street.

"Gee, I wonder what present master would like for her birthday."

Meanwhile, Tohru Adachi was walking down a different street.

"Gee, I wonder what whore I'm going to disrespect next."

Suddenly, a portal opened up. Walking out of the portal was Tohru Adachi. However, this one had a completely inverted color scheme. His hair and clothing were white, and his trademark tie was blue.

The other Tohru pointed at the man.

"Who are you, desu~?"

"Greetings, Adachi."

His voice boomed.

"Or I should say... _me_."

DUN, DUN, DUN!

"M-me, desu!?"

"Yes, I am also Adachi. To be specific, I am your counterpart from another dimension. Except in my dimension, I have nothing but love and respect for all women...unironically."

"AUDIBLE GASP!"

"My desire to respec wamen everywhere has allotted me the ability to traverse infinite dimensions as well as parallel universes. Eventually, my sights ended up setting on yours. However, what I saw did not please me in the slightest. Instead of buying every member of the female sex flowers and chocolates and telling them that they were beautiful merely for existing, you brutishly threw them into TVs and laughed at their suffering and torment. I could not abide by such blatant disregard and disrespect for wamen. And now, here I am, to right the wrongs you have committed, and to create a utopia in this dimension, like I've done for so many others, where all women get the respect that they so desperately deserve. _Or else..._ "

The Anti-Adachi took a single step forward.

"But before I can do all that, I first have to deal with _you_..."

The other yawned.

"Yeah, may I apply a little critique for that plan of yours?"

"Enlighten me."

Swifter than a cowboy on cocaine, Tohru pulled out his pistol and shot the Anti-Adachi once in the chest, causing the other to tumble down.

"I don't think that plan of yours is exactly _bulletproof_."

"...oh, au contraire."

The Anti-Adachi floated up. Embedded in his chest was a single bullet shell. It fell down the exact moment his body positioned itself perpendicularly from the ground.

"I'm you, remember. I know all of your tricks. I've planned ahead of time for our fight."

"Ah, well..."

 _I'll Face Myself (Another Version)_ started playing in the background.

"I guess, deep down inside, I really respected women all alon-"

"Dude, I'm not your fucking shadow."

Record scratch.

"...ah, well... I guess. This means... Uhhhhhhhhh."

"However, my love for the perfect gender has given me, what one would call, 'powers beyond human imagination'."

The Anti-Adachi started glowing with a dangerously white aura.

"TASTE THE WRATH OF MY GYNOCENTRISM!"

Going faster than the speed of light, he punched Tohru in the face so hard that it propelled him through several skyscrapers. Like a ragdoll, Tohru clumsily crashed into an abandoned office building, creating clouds of debris and shattered cubicles in his wake. After a few seconds of laying on a pile of broken cubicles and office supplies, he leaned up and placed a palm on his head.

"Ouch, that thing nearly killed me."

He unbuttoned his shirt.

"Good thing I was wearing a bulletproof vest, or else I would've surely been a goner."

After taking off and throwing away the now-useless body armor, he stood up. Floating condescendingly opposite of the window Tohru had crashed through was the Anti-Adachi.

"You gonna come inside, buddy? Or are you expecting me to buy you dinner first?"

"I have to admit..."

The other casually landed on the office floor.

"You're a lot more durable than I first expected. But then again, you ARE me."

"You know it."

He got into a fighting stance.

"Now hows about we skip the pleasantries and I show you how we did it back at the police academy."

The other sighed.

"Very well..."

Faster than a speeding bullet, he sped around the Tohru, delivering punches and kicks along the way. Thinking he finally got him, Tohru grabbed at the Anti-Adachi, only to discover, to his horror, that it was just an after-image.

"Too slow," whispered the Anti-Adachi into Tohru's ear before delivering a kick to his back which propelled him into more cubicles. "To think that a filthy misogynist like you can even lay a hand on me. Preposterous!"

 _Urgh, he's too strong. I can't land a single hit on him. Is this it?_

His vision grew dark.

...

...

...

... _Adachi_...

... _ADACHI_...

...

...

"WAKE UP, FAGGOT!"

"GAH!"

Tohru woke up.

"Grand Master P** M**."

"Useless Japanese bitch. If you can't disrespect a single woman, how do you expect to exterminate the entire world's thottery? Again!"

Tohru got back up. The training with his master usually consisted of him punching through printed pictures of Facebook profiles taped to cinder blocks (only hands of steel could decisively grab thots and throw them into TVs). At other times, he would have to grab flies with his chopsticks (only with unparalleled focus could he weed out the absolute worst). And at other, he would have to balance himself on bars (only with absolute balance could he continue his duties without ever slipping up).

After a year or so, his training was to be complete. At that time, he thought he would be celebrating with his master. However, what he found instead was his master lying on the ground and looking pale as a ghost.

"A-Adachi, is that you...?"

"Master, what happened?"

"Urgh, it was that prostitute I hired a while back. She had gonorrhea, and now I'm a goner-rhea."

Tears were streaming down the pupil's face.

"Snf, I fucking hate you."

"I know. Listen, I don't have much time left. I see much potential in you, my pupil. But I also see much hardship. Yes, you will eventually meet an opponent who knows all of your skills and tricks, but fights for the forces of evil. When that time comes, you must remember your training. Remember who you are..."

The Anti-Adachi stood over his lesser's unconscious body.

"Is that all you got? I can't say I'm disappointed...since this is exactly what I was expecting."

He lifted his arm, his intent to strike all too clear.

"Die."

"I don't think so."

A force propelled the Anti-Adachi back.

"WHAT!?"

Tohru got up. He was now glowing with an aura as well, but this one was black.

"That aura... No! Impossible!"

"It's bitches and whores like you that really piss me off."

"Even so..."

The Anti-Adachi's expression returned to its usual disguised smugness.

"I can sense that your power is far weaker than mine."

Tohru chuckled, making the Anti-Adachi wane a bit.

"What's so funny?"

"This is just a fraction of what I'm truly capable of. Allow me to show you an even more powerful form... AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Tohru's power increased tenfold.

"I-incredible."

"Oh, I'm not done yet."

Everything in the room, save for his opponent, had been repelled by his mere presence.

"This is just my second form. And this..."

The pressure manifested by Tohru began increasing even faster.

"...is to go further beyond! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The resulting earthquake could be felt throughout the world. Once Tohru had finished powering up, the entire building they were in was reduced to rubble. They were now both floating in mid-air.

"Well then. How do you like my third and final form?"

"I have to say... It really gets on my nerves just how much power one can get from hating women. But I can tell that, as we are now, we're both evenly matched."

"I agree."

"So how about we have our fight elsewhere. I feel like if we were to fight here, this entire city would collapse under the sheer weight of our anti- and pro-wamen energies."

"That valley over there seems like a good spot to host our final battle."

"Agreed."

(To be continued...)


	6. Battle of the Gods: Part 2

Last time on Thot Patrol Z...

"Urk!"

"Nngh..."

"Hmph."

"Geh."

"A-ah... A-a-a-a-a-ah..."

"Hm..."

Nine episodes later...

"GRAH, let's fight!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Meanwhile, in &!(*#! ^...

"AH, this power!"

"What is it, K*** K**?"

"It's unlike anything I've ever seen before. The two opposing forces better watch out. Actually, it's the whole world there standing on that better watch out. As things are going, they may as well destroy everything along with themselves."

Storm clouds formed throughout the area that Tohru and the Anti-Adachi occupied. Their ragged breathing was the result of an epic melee fight through the skies which we couldn't show you because this studio's budget was low enough as is.

"You're pretty good," said Tohru.

"As much as I hate to admit it, I feel likewise."

"So any chance this is going to convince you to go back to your own universe and leave me to my thot policin'?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Welp, that's a shame. Time for plan B then."

"Ah, you don't mean... _that_ plan, sir!?" said Tohru's cameraman, materializing behind him.

Tohru smirked.

 _What am I planning?_ thought the Anti-Adachi.

Suddenly, Tohru turned around and started running in the opposite direction.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

"OH, I knew you'd say that!"

The Anti-Adachi stared. Just... _stared_. He was at a complete loss for words. Then, as a wing formed on his arm, he let out a piercing scream.

"You won't get away from me!"

The chase went on for minutes on end.

"Looks like I finally got away from hi- Wait, where's that sound coming from?"

It felt like it was coming closer. Only as soon as Tohru had turned his gaze upwards did both of his eyes widen in terror. But even then, it was already too late.

"ROADROLLER DA!"

A giant vehicle fell on top of him, courtesy of the Anti-Adachi. Both summoned their Sta- _Personas_ , one trying to stop the vehicle from crushing him and another intending the exact opposite.

"MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA. YOU BUTT CHEEKS CUMSTAIN! WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY! I WILL MAKE YOU SCRAMBLED TACO!"

Eventually, the whole thing exploded. All that was left of the wreckage was the Anti-Adachi, standing proudly at the sight of his victory.

"Goodbye, my inferior sel-"

"Not so fast."

Faster than the speed of speed, Tohru materialized.

"Nothing personell, kid," he said before delivering a flurry of taps all over his opponent's body. "WA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA TA!"

He stopped and pointed coolly at the other.

"Omae wa mou shindeiru!"

"何!?"

The Anti-Adachi exploded into a million visceral bits and pieces.

"It is do-"

"Not so fast."

The bits all combined to remake the Anti-Adachi. Actually, it couldn't be called an Anti-Adachi. It was way too sharp, too sturdy and strong to be called a-

"ENOUGH with the dead memes," said the Anti-Adachi."That last one didn't even make any sense..."

"Really? We've been running on dead memes this whole chapter. It would be good to come up with some original content every once in a while."

"It would, but unfortunately, the author isn't really creative. We're one meme away from referencing a certain red echidna."

"Oh, please, that's like...last current year. Who's still using that?"

"Anyway, it's about time we finish this."

"Yeah, let's get this over with."

The Anti-Adachi pulled out a blue lightsaber.

"All women...are queens!"

Tohru pulled out his own, which was red.

"If she breathes...she's a thot!"

The two rushed each other and engaged in a badass epic sword fight.

"This is it!"

Using his remaining pro-wamen energy, the Anti-Adachi put it all into one huge blast.

"I will not yield!" shouted Tohru, doing the same.

Now they were in a stalemate. The moment either side tried to overpower the other, they were immediately met with an equal burst of energy. These two were truly equaled in power and appearance.

"Women of the world," shouted the Anti-Adachi, "give me your energy."

The collective thottery answered, "Sorry, honey, but you're not handsome enough to warrant my attention. I'd rather give it all to Chad anyway."

"WHAT!?"

The shock of being cucked by Chad caused the Anti-Adachi to wane a bit, giving Tohru all the leeway he needed.

"It is time," said P** M**, appearing as a ghost behind his pupil. "Strike now!"

Screaming in Japanese, Tohru put his all into this one final blast. He approached the Anti-Adachi, holding his one arm towards him (not because the other was broken, but because it looked cooler with one arm rather than two). His opponent had no recourse. All he could do was watch as his own destruction unfolded.

"But I was supposed to...protect all wamen..."

Those were the Anti-Adachi's last words as his entire body disintegrated from the sheer force of Tohru's hatred for the opposite gender.

And then he was gone. And the remaining victor collapsed.

The battle was finally over.


	7. Whomstdve Thottening - Epilogue

As the camera panned to a man, who wore sunglasses, a baggy t-shirt, and sweatpants (accompanied by gaudy, gold-encrusted bling) he spoke the following...

"Yo, it's yo' boy, Tohru Adachi, and this be my crib."

The intro played. There were various flashes of furniture, cars, and the host doing weird poses.

It had been a while since Tohru returned to the TV world. Everything was so much brighter and safer than before. It really took a lot of effort and decorating to make it feel like home again.

"Before we head out, how about we check up on the prison?"

The camera then panned to a large room, separated from the outside by bars. Inside sat several members of the female species, most of them on their phones, checking their Facebook and Instagram profiles only to get shocked by the chokers on their necks the moment any of them attempted to apply the dog filter to their selfies.

"As you can see, we're hard at work rehabilitating thots back into pure 2D Asian waifus. Oh, and here comes our warden..."

Walking up to the camera was a blue-skinned alien woman who wore a mostly gray military outfit.

"Ah, sir. The rehabilitation is proceeding smoothly."

"Very good, warden."

"Ahem."

She took off her beret.

"It's been a while, so I think I deserve a reward."

"Right now?"

He looked at his cameraman.

"Can we even show this on television? ...whatever."

Reaching out with his hand, he patted her on the head for one full minute. (Of course, this obscenely lewd act was censored via pixelation.) Her blue cheeks noticeably a flush of red, the warden put her beret back on and walked away.

The rest of the episode consisted of a tour around the TV world as well as some scuffles with the locals. In the end, Tohru stood at the edge of a cliff, overlooking a peaceful sun-laden lake.

"Is there anything you'd like to say to the audience before we tune off?" asked the cameraman.

"Yeah."

Tohru gazed skyward.

"It takes a real man to grind your victims into the dirt and decimate them completely, you know? To make them grovel and then shit on their hopes and dreams. Fuck them till they bleed, and then fuck them some more."

"You're the arbiter of all that's good in this world, sir."

"Of course I am. Whether you're just a run-of-the-mill normie, trying to get past the daily grind, or a self-avowed slayer of thots like moi, doing God's work, which he had abandoned a long time ago alongside humanity, everyone can agree on one thing and one thing only..."

 _Thicc_ dark elves were the way to go.

"All in all, all's well that ends we-"

"ADAAAAAAAAAAAAACHI!"

Popping out of the ground was none other than the gray-haired man from chapter one. If one couldn't somehow accurately describe the emotion he was exhibiting on his otherwise expressionless face, the fact that Tohru crapped himself the moment he saw it would probably tell you all you needed to know.

The sheer pressure this person exhibited made the host and his cameraman fall to their knees and quake with fear.

"FINALLY!" he exclaimed, laughing psychotically.

The two were begging for their lives at this point.

"N-no, please d-don't hurt me!"

"I'm too young to die a virgin!"

"I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU GUYS ALL DAY, AND NOW THAT I'VE GOT YOU WHERE I WANT YOU..."

As he took out a pen and paper, the stranger's mood did a complete 180.

"I'd like your autograph."

"..."

"..."

"...thank you for your patronage. Be sure to tune in every week on Tuesdays for the newest episode of 'Thot Patrol Inaba'."


End file.
